This is a funny forward that I haven't seen yet so I cleaned it up and made it postable!
THE RULES OF RURAL OHIO ARE AS FOLLOWS
Listen up City Slickers!
- Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
- Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
- Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
- They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-71 goes north and south. Pick one.
- So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
- So every person in rural Ohio waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
- If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
- Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.
- The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
- We open doors for women. That is applied to all women , regardless of age.
- No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
- When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
- You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
- You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
- College and High School Football is as important here as the Cavs and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.
- Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
- Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
- We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
- Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
- 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.